It's really pathetically funny if you think about it. Knowing what  you  want to do, and yet evading it, because you are afraid of a possible or likeable failure. But as long as you let the fear guide you, you will never act. And passivity is not an option I would choose even if being offered a  tempting reward for it, or even if I'm being threaten. If I fall, I fell. I can get up again. Thankfully enough, I know how to walk, and if need be, I can run. As days go by, I feel more and more at ease with my department. Of course, I can't love all of it, or be infatuated with the whole of it. I tend to choose from the whole only specific parts and get  well acquainted with these nuances, that eventually become a part of me; of who I am, of what I want, of who I work towards becoming. Being in this department engedered me with a better undertanding of myself, to the point of being relieved and satisfied that I don't study archaeology-related stuff. I guess, after all, literature and cultural theories constitute a great part of my being. The other part belongs to God. And it is like everyday is a new awakening from a deep and restful sleep, where dreams are the events and thoughts of earlier days; where dreams are education. So when I wake up, I have knowledge enough to move on. I am not a very talkative person, so dreams and books, or a landscape that urges you and attracts you to be silent and observe is a perfection and an enjoyment in my spirit. Sometimes, even when I am with people, I want this silence. Just sit. But other times talking is good. Though few are such times. And I so miss playing boardgames. I love them, but nowadays who can sit and play? I hate television and movies, except some films that I would watch over and over again. Even anime have become "simulacra"; the one is a copy of the other, only the faces change. So, once more I withdraw to that castle of mine, built by words and pages from beloved books. This world is not going to get better, because some people never change. Doing harm to others, doing harm to yourself, neglecting this earth, when it was given to us to be taken care of. This world runs towards destruction and people that could change or make a change for the best, end up hang on walls or behind glass-panes in museums, or read in universities just for the sake of it. There is a great gap, a riff between word and action these days. It existed of old, but because no one endeavoured to bridge this gap, it has extented. Soon, it will be impossible. Those that act are in a continuous oppression by those who wish for a static reality. Eventually, the very imagination will ultimately stagnate and the words will be verified......."Nothing new under the sun".

What Your Home Says About You

You come across as very intellectual. People take your wisdom seriously. You have amazing hygiene, and it shows. You are sparkling clean! You are not a domestic person. You're lucky if you can boil water or sew up a hole. You are a very nurturing person. You find meaning in taking care of others. You feel settled in your life. You have enough time to focus on little details. You are a very self sufficient person. You can get along well without much help. Your friends see you as insightful, encouraging, and progressive.

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The Ultimate Color Test

When you are at peace, you are: Deeply stable When you are moved to act, you are: Giving and warm When you are inspired, you are: Creative and productive When your life is perfectly balanced, you are: Philosophical and expressive Your life's purpose is: To live a passionate life

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You Are Checkers

You are very logical and rational. You are able to understand what is and isn't a factor. You're able to compartmentalize and focus on the essentials. You appreciate simplicity. You can see the layers of complexity and beauty in anything. You are also playful and good natured. You don't take life too seriously!

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Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great admirer of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

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Your Element Is Earth

You excel at planning and strategizing. You could be a champ at chess or Survivor. Well grounded, you are able to be realistic and rationalize. On the inside, you have a hard core. It's tough to phase you. You are super productive, and you are able to think anything through. Focused and super charged, your instincts are a good guide for your next step.

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You Are 45% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

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You Are 40% Intuitive

You're definitely an intuitive person, but you never go on your gut alone. You tend to be more analytical than intuitive - possibly because your intuition has failed you in the past. When you don't have enough facts to make a decision, you don't mind listening to your gut to figure out what to do.

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You Are 1: The Reformer

You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have uncompromising integrity, and people expect you to be fair. At Your Best: You are hopeful, honest, and inspiring. You bring out the best in humanity. At Your Worst: You are intolerant, judgmental, and picky. Your Fixation: Resentment Your Primary Fear: Being corrupt. Your Primary Desire: To be good. Other Number 1's: Al Gore, Martha Stewart, Gandhi, Celene Dion, and Spock from Star Trek.

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You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

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You Are a Chocolate Shake

You are a total hedonist. You are drawn to pleasure. You are an expressive, over the top person. You're naturally dramatic. You're the type of person who always chooses quality over quantity. Life's too short to not have optimal experiences. You're proud of being picky.

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Your Expression Number is 4

Practical and down to earth - everything in your life is organized. You are a great writer and teacher. You never forget a detail. Very patient, you have the ability to cultivate talents in difficult fields. You also tend to have an artistic side. You'd make a great architect or classical musician. You face your responsibilities with a positive attitude - and you always get things done. You are serious, sincere, honest, and faithful. Sometimes your strong sense of responsibility leads to frustration. You also tend to develop strong likes and dislikes, which border on dogmatism. At you're worst, you can be a dominant disciplinarian.

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You Communicate Like a Man

When you communicate, you like to get to the point. You're not afraid to say what's on your mind - and leave it at that. Talking about your emotions drains you. You rather keep them to yourself. You prefer solving problems to wallowing in your sorrows.

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You Are an Apple

You are strong, powerful, and even a bit stubborn at times. You have enough strength to help those around you in trouble. You are adventurous and charming. Many people are drawn to you. You love life, and you enjoy traveling the world. You enjoy fine food, art, and culture. People have accused you of being a snob, but that's not accurate. You do enjoy the best things in life. Unlike snobs, you truly appreciate quality... not just pretend to.

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You Should Be a Poet

You have a way with words... and a talent for drawing the pure emotions out of experiences. Your poetry has the potential to make people laugh and cry at the same time. You just need to write it!

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Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal. You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: Philosophy Music Theology Art History Foreign language

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Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

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Your Thinking is Abstract and Sequential

You like to do research and collect lots of information. The more facts you have, the easier it is for you to learn. You need to figure things out for yourself and consider all possibilities. You tend to become an expert in the subjects that you study. It's difficult for you to work with people who know less than you do. You aren't a very patient teacher, and you don't like convincing people that you're right.

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Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

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Your Inner Blood Type is Type A

You seem cool and collected, though a bit shy. You are highly driven and a perfectionist, but that's a side you keep to yourself. Creative and artistic, you are a very unique person who doesn't quite fit in. People accept you more than you realize, seeing you as trustworthy and loyal. You are most compatible with: A and AB Famous Type A's: Britney Spears and Hilter

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Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

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Your Personality Is

Rational (NT) You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas. You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy! Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people. In fact, you're often a little short with people who don't impress you mentally. You seem distant to some - but it's usually because you're deep in thought. Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals. In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate - who is also very intelligent. At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers - like programming, medicine, or academia. With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can't take your criticism well. As far as your looks go, you're coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly. On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

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There Are 1 Gaps in Your Knowledge

Where you have gaps in your knowledge: Art Where you don't have gaps in your knowledge: Philosophy Religion Economics Literature History Science

Yeah, sorry that I am not a movie/theatre/concert person; I'd rather read than watch. Actually, I am not sorry at all. I know my interests quite accurately and I'm proud of it.

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Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul. You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have. Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone. You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

I quite agree with the results but not with the title of the results. I am not sad, I just don't believe in the "goodness of humanity", I believe only in the goodness and mercy of God.-

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The Castle Personality Test

You are scared of new experiences. It's hard for you to break outside of your comfort zone. You don't spend a lot of time thinking about how people see you. You're kind of scared to know what they think. You are a very romantic person. You can't help but see the world as it should be. Right now, stress occasionally makes you feel trapped in your life. You usually have a clear perspective on things though! Overall, your life is very peaceful - if not a little solitary. Much of what goes on goes on in your head. You aren't optimistic about the future. You worry about what will happen to the world and if we'll be able to clean up the messes we've made.

Allright, this test is not accurate, because my choices highly depend on what associations I make with each answer. E.g. I chose the wild garden which needs care in order for flowers to bloom and trees to yield fruits, because I believe that one mst not have everything offered upon the plate. One must work and toil to achive things, because one can become strong and gain much experience and knowledge about the world,both physically and psychologically speking. And because working on a garden creates invisble strings of bonds and attachment with every single component of it and generates a sensitivity and sensibility as well as a sense of responsibility and respect.Therefore, NO!!! I am not afraid of new experiences, but I do prefer the cosyness offered by the comfort zone, without of course being a prisoner there. Moreover, I don't give a damn shit what people think about me; in fact, I stopped worrying about my image a long time ago, when still a child, because I've seen a lot of shit during childhood. Yes, I am a romantic person and see the world as it should be, but that does not mean that I don't see the world as it is. But I got to give a second chance, otherwise, I'd already be a CROW; a living one, indeed. With regards to the future, it is not that I am not optimistic, but it is that I can see where the future will lead, and therefore know that it is not a quite bright one. There are happy instances, bright and positive events, but these are just specific instances. Since people are not guided by love--and I don't mean physical love or human love--the future cannot be a highly optimistic one. If people really realised, understood, felt what it means to love with the love of Christ, this earth would be THE PARADISE and the presence of God would dwell in the midst of us. Just read all the extracts that talk about love in the Holy Bible and connect them, and maybe you'll realise the power of love.

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Your Career Personality: Original, Devoted, and Service Oriented

Your Ideal Careers: Art director Book editor College professor Composer Film director Graphic designer Novelist Stage actor Psychiatrist Writer

Yeah, tell me about it!!! Absolutely accurate.-

Three years, and now the fourth, that I've been a Uni/sity student and I can't say  my uni/sity life is as I expected or dreamed.
So, let's see some points: ( the order of preseting them holds no significance)

1. I haven't made a single friend. Allow me to quote Mr Emerson here and say "Thing do not fit!". I cannot connect with those people. I don't know what they think of me, I don't know what to think of them. Which is quite natural for me. I mean, all my life I've been the outsider; the one that does not fit in. And when I did fit in, I allowed it to myself only for a brief time. I don't think I've ever been close to anyone or that I can get close with anyone. My godmother said once that people who have not learnt to be among friends at a young age, will have problem connecting with others as they grow older. She is right. The University for me is not a place to meet people. I only go there to attend some lectures, take good advantage of the department library, graduate, and move on. It's always been like this. I am me, the only thing that changes is the stage upon which I perform, before the eyes of an invisible audience. I did talk with some co-students and still do, but I can feel it.......the other side of their words, the other look of their eyes...... so, to free them from their uneasiness of talking to me, I drift away and reduce everyting to a "Hello" and a "goodbye". I detest people that talk to me just to talk to me; people that have no sympathies towards me but speak to me, for what reason I can not understand. I like being me, and I like people who do not like me, but are brave enough and have the dignity and self-respect to say so. I do not pressure anyone to like me or talk to me, or whatever. And NO!!!!!!! I am not miserable. In fact, I am happy and quite content with myself and with being me. The things I have experienced  so far, since the day I was born, have been very helpful to me.

2. Some of the teachers--that is, the majority of--should be fired. Their calling is not to teach literature. Even the professors I enjoy having lessons with, sometimes augment my feelng of being displaced. Some of them look at me in a manner of expecting something from me and simultaneously of doubting me. They ask questions but I cannot quite understand the answers they expect. And sometimes, I cannot comprehent the answers given. I do my best. I try to be interested in certain texts that are absolutely boring and meaningless for me and search for info and read books related to the texts, but I just can't seem to get to like them. There are many times in class, when I doubt if I have anything to contribute. When expressing and opinion or a thought upon a text; when trying to analyse.....What do certain professors think of me, of my work? I cannot rely on the grades they give me--some of them really good--but I try to read them. Read their eyes, their movements, their words.......but no matter how many nuances and signals I may gather, they are still complete strangers unto me. I can't really get involved to some of the modules, most of the time I sense it to be a waste of time. Therefore, I cannot be the obsessed student who can recite a whole Shakesperean work by heart, or one who can cite all the works of an author or poet in chronological order, or say with whom one author got married, when and if they divorced and how many children they had, or where his dead body, now turned to dust, lies. I know my interests perhaps too good and too distinctively, to get involved with trivialties. And NO! My life is not a movie where there is a professor that have great expectations of you, that is your inspiration, who is there to guide you and help you, who can see something interesting in you and be amused by his/her mere discovery of you. The only source of inspiration is yourself and the world were your spirit dwells.

I did try to get close to someone once. But due to outside intervention that person disappeared. Why bother anyway. The whole pleasure is in observing......

I did a complete clean up and now I'm thinking about the content of this journal. When I decide what to do with this journal you'll know it.